collected thoughts, iv

Taking many solitary walks means learning how to identify birds by their call: oriole, robin, downy woodpecker, mockingbird, house finch.

*

One of my writing professors asked if I had attended any virtual church services. I said no, I hadn’t.

*

April 2 was the first day since March 11 where I woke up without anxiety and heaviness. An immediate blessing. The sky was blue again, the sun glowing, and except for very strong winds flinging themselves at the house and surrounding trees, the day was gorgeous.

There’s a sense of wonder that accompanies beauty and peace. Even here, in this time, God is a steady rock and he wants us to remember.

*

Why is it so difficult for me to write about happy things even when I’m happy?

*

The left arm of my glasses got all bent out of shape when I accidentally rolled over onto them while reading. I’d developed a temporary fix by using tiny sewing kit scissors as a make shift screwdriver, but the screw loosened every day or two and my glasses continued to slip down my nose for months. When I came home for spring break I was supposed to go to the store to get them fixed.

But I forgot, and then the governor issued a Stay-at-Home order and getting one’s glasses fixed did not count as essential business.

Today I found my father’s eyeglass repair kit and fixed them myself.

*

These days, the news makes me laugh. Lawsuits. Petty political squabbles. Hobby Lobby. Megachurch pastors. Spring breakers.

Seriously?

*

A few sentences, edited, from a literary essay for class:

If someone were to read the happy memories in my journal I’d be mortified. Those are the stories I don’t share easily. I worry that if I tell a lot of people the memories will lose their magic, that in the telling I will make them more or less than they were and the memories will become something they were not. So, I keep my little joys close and giggle into my pillow when I’m sure nobody is listening.

*

The virus feels like a spiral, moving in ever-closer circles to the self.

*

Start praying for mercy. Start praying for a miracle.

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